Every day seems to be filled with choices. From the time I open my eyes in the morning until I tiredly close them at night, the amount of choices made is incredible. There are some choices that seem win win no matter what. Like sitting in the drive thru at Dairy Queen choosing between a Snickers' or M&M blizard. I mean seriously, there are no losers here. :) Other times it seems no matter which way you toss the coin, you're bound to lose.
This week I had to make the choice between having a surgical D&C to remove what was to have been our beloved Christmas baby or I can wait to naturally miscarry. On Friday we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. Our laughing and joking of how many babies would there be this time was quickly silenced by a very blank screen. I could feel my heart get heavy and my words though on the edge of my lips could not be spoken. My heart was crying out "not again, please not again". I knew what I was seeing but also knew I needed to ask to be sure. Oh how I didn't want to have to speak those words in fear of hearing the answer.
"It's not right is it?" I asked.
"No, when did you get your positive pregnancy test?"
"4 weeks ago"
"There is no baby. There is a yolk sac for the baby but that is all. I'm so sorry.:
My doctor started talking about why this happens but my head was spinning. It's like I could feel myself in that very moment when we knew we had lost Carter. A scenario so similar to this but so different. That feeling like you are watching someone else's nightmare unfold right before your eyes. So surreal.
So I was sent off for bloodwork which was to be followed up on Tuesday. Paul had already taken Friday as a vacation day to make a funfilled 4 day weekend. Tuesday seemes to be 48 hours long. Waiting and waiting for the phone call to give us the news we were dreading. Finally the call came and the news was not good. My HCG Friday was 14,XXX and Tuesday was 18,XXX. They should have at least doubled in that amount of time. I was heartbroken and numb.
I told the nurse that while my numbers are not what they should be, with them increasing at all I cannot go through with a D&C. So now I will have repeat bloodwork done next Tuesday and follow up with my dr. then. Where this road will lead, only God knows.
So now I am making the choice to trust. It's not only all I can do it's the best I can do. I can trust in the Lord with ALL of my HEART and lean NOT on my OWN understanding. Proverbs 3:5
I have always loved that verse and have sang it to myself in various situations in my life. Never has that verse been so real to me as it is now. As each day goes by I just pray for strength. Sometimes I let my head run away with thoughts of why. Why even let me get pregnancy if this was going to be the outcome? Why? Why? But, I am chosing to trust. In this life this may never ever make sense to me. I am just so blessed to be a child of God in the stormiest of days.
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Hi and welcome to my blog where I try to find a little bit of peace among the crazy chaos I call my life. It can be a wild ride but it is worth every single second!
3 comments:
I see your blog is about your trials and triumphs. I'm so sorry for this trial you are going through.
A blighted ovum. I had that sort of miscarriage a few years ago. My dr was kind enough to allow me to pass the tissue on my own. Do you know -- it took months. But he continued to monitor my HCG levels. Eventually they will begin to go down, and as long as they continue downward you are ok.
There is a slight chance of getting cancer if you pass tissue, but not all of it. So you will need to be monitored... but it's possible to let your body handle this naturally. If you want to. (that is the key -- what ever you feel comfortable with).
We discovered our blighted ovum in July, and I miscarried in September.
We went on to have 4 more children. (With a few more miscarriages in between).
My dr. mentioned that 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most are so early the mom doesn't realize it was a miscarriage.
I'm sorry for your loss. It is a loss -- I'll pray for you as you mourn. Won't heaven be thrilling when we get to meet our wee ones waiting for us there? Even so come Lord Jesus!
Heidi, I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss. Missy
Heidi, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage this past February. Trusting in the Lord with our whole heart is all we can do. I believe our babies were created with great purpose, even though they never lived outside our wombs. Just that fact that they were created at all, imho, means they have/had purpose. My heart is sad that I will not get to hold my son here in this life, but I am ever so thankful that I don't have to worry about him. I know he is safe in My Father's arms. He will never be sick, suffer, or feel saddness, but only know perfect love!! I pray that you feel peace and comfort through this time. Keep holding on to Jesus! He will see you through. As much as we long to hold our babies, that is how much our Father longs to hold and comfort us.
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